Saturday, July 12, 2008

MY USO TOUR FOR THE TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN

My comic friend Artie Lange invited Nick Diapolo, Dave Attell, Gary Dellabate and I to come on his USO comedy tour for the troops overseas. I was honored that I was invited to do this. Everyone was telling me that this will be a life changing experience for me. As a kid I would always see Bob Hope on TV doing his USO shows for our military. I always thought that was a real cool thing to do and someday I hoped I can do something like that for my country. As I hit my late teens and into my early 20's, I was mowing lawns during the day and drinking large amounts of beer at night. My dream of performing for them was suddenly fading since I had no skills. I was good at cutting lawns but there is no grass in the Middle East. Even my skill of drinking two beers at the same time thru a beer funnel was not going to get me on a USO tour. Finally after hitting too many pieces of dog shit with the weed whacker I decided to make something of my life and start to do stand up. Cut to 17 years later and I'm one hour from the border of Pakistan in Kandahar, Afghanistan doing an outdoor show for our brave men and women. Kandahar smells like shit. there are no septic systems in the country so at the military base there is a huge pond full of feces. They call it the shit pond. It smells like someone is holding a piece of shit under your nose. the 115 degree temperature doesn't help either. We are performing in war zone also. Bin Laden and the Taliban are only one hour from us hiding in the mountains. For the first time since the war started we lost more troops in Afghanistan then in Iraq in June 2008. Did I fear for my safety? I go bareback when I have sex so the answer is no. Twenty minutes after the show was over and we were walking over to do a meet and greet with the soldiers all these sirens started to go off. The base got hit by mortar fire and we had to run for cover in a bunker! As we head towards the bunker I realize that when I crap my pants at least I know I can blame the smell on the shit pond. We wait about 45 minutes in the bunker before everything is clear. We found out later that the missiles landed 300 yards from the base which was pretty damn close. I wish the Taliban would have warned us that they were doing that. Why couldn't they send out a myspace bulletin? I guess those guys didn't like our dick jokes and launched a rocket at us.

The next day we were flown around in Blackhawk Helicopters to do more shows at remote bases in the middle of nowhere. We decided we wanted to go to places where they barely get any entertainment. We went to Culat, Afghanistan and did a show at 10:30am for about 40 people. They never had any entertainment at this base before so they really thanked us for coming there. We were supposed to go to another show right after that about an hour away but it got cancelled because it was too dangerous to go to that area. We were really bummed out. After the mortar attack the night before and flying around in a Blackhawk chopper with no doors, we were ready for anything. I'm bullshitting. We just didn't want to go back to the shit pond so soon. My nostrils just stopped burning. On the way back in the chopper they let us shoot their machine guns into the air which was probably the coolest thing I ever did in my life besides chase a girl who pretended she was pregnant outside an abortion clinic with a coat hanger.

We were there for a week doing shows and as a write this I have been home for 6 days now and I am still jet lagged. I sleep no more then 4 hours a night. I watched Regis and Kelly for the first time in my life. Kelly Ripa is so hot that even if she walked around dressed in a Burka I would nail her. I personally like that look. It reminds me of a chick wearing a hoodie. That's the problem over in the Middle East. The men that want to blow us up are angry because it's hot, there's no alcohol, and their women dress like the KKK in black. The only thing they can see on a woman is their eyes. That's not a turn on to even masturbate too later. Once in awhile if they are lucky on a windy day the flap my blow up and they can see a little bit of their chin and try to work with that and go home and run off a batch. Bottom line is if they had air conditioning, sex, and beer they would not want to kill us. Which by the way most of the people in Iraq and Afghanistan do want us there. I talked to a bunch of soldiers and they all said pretty much the same thing. Don't believe the liberal media back in the States. There is much progress being made over in Iraq and Afghanistan. We are building them schools, women have rights now, and more and more people are getting jobs now. Was it a life changing experience for me? I'm not sure yet but I know next time I go in a port-a-john it's going to smell like roses.

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THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SERVES OUR COUNTRY. WE APPRECIATE IT NO MATTER WHAT THE NEW YORK TIMES SAYS.

PS. I WILL POST PICS FROM THE TRIP IN A FEW DAYS. I'M GOING TO GO TRY TO RUN OFF A BATCH THINKING OF A CHIN.

9:54 AM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - A